I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
