Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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