I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
