Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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