Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
