I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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