Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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