I'm eating all of the evidence.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize