Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
