Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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