Moan for me like Helen Keller
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
