i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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