every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
