y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Fuck me I smell like cheese
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
