totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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