ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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