Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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