Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
