Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
