I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
where are my eyebrows?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
