I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I need a burrito and a hug.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
