please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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