Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
