I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
