I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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