i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
