The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize