you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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