Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize