This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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