I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
