my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
