: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
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