I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those š
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He was all āplease donāt bail because Iām missing work for thisā last night
Honey no, I need dick. Iām not going to bail
Well now Iām in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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