Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
