i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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