nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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