The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
