i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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