I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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