I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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