Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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