Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize