11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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