im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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