i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
