if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
