got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
