new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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