So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
