its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
