Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
