alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
