he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
