My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
