Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
