Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
