When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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