i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
