My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize