got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
